SpiralBound

Out my Dark, Damp Cave

It has been quite some time and I’m sorry.

Since I last posted, I’ve been in a dark, wet, earthy, scary place inside myself. The damp cave within as spring approaches all fresh, scary and beautiful. Anything I considered writing about felt insincere and wrong (almost superficial).

Things I’d felt I’d dealt with had resurfaced with a new spin. This time deeper down and hitting new nerves. I guess that is part of the journey when making a commitment to face things and get yourself sorted. In retrospect I feel I faced things more honestly this time round and managed to move through things with more awareness, dealing with more, facing and not hiding. Experiencing more moment to moment making me notice a lot of beauty where auto-pilot would have had me miss out, keeping me dead inside. The lessons along the way paying off. My anger reared its ugly head, the need to control the uncontrollable, unable to surrender without a fight. But there was a new awareness then, allowing me to recognise the anger for what it was and move past it.

I have exams coming up and a family holiday and I would be lying if I said they weren’t filling me with dread. It’s time to take my power back. It’s time to put things in place so that I’m not merely coping.

I managed a self-practice at 4:30am today – something I haven’t been able to face in a long time. (My practice lately has been mainly for planning and testing classes) and I intend to stop using caffeine as a crutch. The food and drink I consume will not dictate my frame of mind.

Today is Day 1.

Posted in Life goes on, My Toolkit, Yoga | Comments Off

They Carry the Plague

Well, not quite the plague but this house has had its fair share of highly contagious viral infections in the last 3 weeks.

Straight after Lex’s 4^th birthday weekend of parties & family celebrations, Zoe suddenly started throwing up. Considering all the sweets I just chalked it down to the excesses associated with parties. How wrong could I be…

Turns out both girls had caught some kind of virus. It first presented as a 24 hour tummy bug in both children so in the 12 hour reprieve I put them on a plane bound for George so they could spend two weeks in Sedgefield with the grandparents. The bug came back with a vengeance and a doctor at the coast diagnosed them (plus most people they came in contact with) with a nasty virus … not much more specific than that. Back at home I had caught the same thing and was man down for 7 days before the doctor intervened with a 1 day antibiotic dose to kill anything opportunistic after the virus.

The girls are back home now, fighting fit … or at least they were. I have since been back to the paediatrician. The sniffles and cough Zoe started developing is in actual fact Hand, Foot and Mouth disease aka the coxsackie virus (no relation to the nasty farm animal virus we learnt about at school , this one is apparently quite common in children and can be compared to measles and chicken pox)

What a strange year for the general health inside these walls … hang sattvic, I reckon my family needs food filled with garlic, onions and ginger for a while. (Maybe I’ll get round to sattvic again in a month or two)

Keep Well

Ants

Posted in Family, Health, Life goes on | Comments Off

Do you Play?

I went out to buy some odds for around the house yesterday when I spotted sketch pads. I’m not sure what made me reach for one but I ended up with a sketch pad, charcoal sticks and assorted pencils… overwhelmed I had to hold back tears.

How wrong is that. It’s been 12 years since I’ve sketched anything and I’m quite surprised how much I missed it. Not that I’m that great mind you but this isn’t an exercise in being discovered or showing off. Just a way of opening myself up again, learning to play again, experiment and finding outlets of self expression.

I’ve realised through yoga that I am starting to reconnect to my body, physically and emotionally… and yet I don’t see anymore (probably because I have no visual creative outlet anymore) – and I can’t really hear (is that because I stopped singing and tinkering on musical instruments?). I have become so serious, where is my imagination – I stopped acting, stopped writing, stopped playing.

As you get older and life gets more serious, you end up losing aspects of yourself because they don’t fit into the mold you are creating…not to mention time. I swore blind that would never be me. I would never fit into a neat little pidgeon hole – and then I did.

If any of you are curious http://t.co/NlvYRZT .Don’t expect much, it is my first sketch in 12 years after all – It’s based on a dream I had where I was being attacked yet playing it safe, being held back by someone.I eventually pushed my protector away yelling let it hurt me. Whatever was attacking my scratched my thigh drawing blood which filled me with a rage I’ve not felt before,then all my nails turned into eyes….and more eyes started sprouting everywhere. I changed, wings opened up out from my back but they were in my etheric field. I fought back and chased my attacker out of…where was I, it looked like a temple\chapel of sorts.

Thanks
Ants

Posted in Life goes on, My Toolkit, Spirit, Yoga | Comments Off

Dairy Free and Decadent

Having spent the last four years scouring for easy to make, family friendly, no-fuss dairy free recipes – I was pleasantly surprised to find easy family classics in the “Fresh Ideas” August 2011 Insert to Pick n Pay’s “Fresh Living” Magazine. There’s a creamy tagliatelle, a thick quiche, lasagnia and even a decadently rich hot cocoa drink. I do currently have dairy free equivalents of those but they are such a faff or just don’t turn out right – I’m definitely looking forward to trying these.

I’m always so surprised by how simple it is to cook with Orley Whip.

I scrounge from many resources and Orley Whip is seldom part of the recipes, which is probably why I struggle to pass the ‘dairy free’ creations off onto my dairy consuming family members. When I have, they’ve been a success and yet I seldom think to experiment with it in other meals.

I reckon it has something to do with me not being able to find much information about it. I know it’s palm oil. I know it’s vegan friendly. But just how safe is it long term? Atleast with soya I know it’s a phyto-oestrogen and not to overdo it but because I know so little I prefer to reserve it’s use to special occasion treats.

Does anyone out there know much about Orley Whip?

HaHa!! Drew just looked at the Coconut Milk Hot Cocoa recipe & is salivating. He can’t wait to try it out on the girls.

Happy Munchies

love

Ants

Posted in Family, Food & Diet, Health | Comments Off

Concentration the issue at Parents Evening

My first Parent’s Evening this week, a little strange, being a parent at one of those. My baby isn’t a baby. Grade 000 and almost 4.

Lex is great, a little introverted but not so much that she can’t speak her mind or be stubborn about how she wants things. Enough to panic if called upon in front of the class and go blank just because she’s been put on the spot – her intuitive teacher prefers to ask her questions in a whisper(almost like asking/telling a secret) and that’s how she successfully gets answers from her without putting her off the whole school experience.

It seems her attention span needs some work. She gets bored or distracted easily when given tasks she doesn’t feel like doing. Usually puzzles and colouring(yet she likes drawing – something she seems more confident doing at home). My first reaction – wait for it, next thing it’s ADD, teachers wanting kids prescribed medication instead of creative approaches to getting their attention. As you can tell I have fairly strong views on the subject. Especially when it hits a little close to home. I see her easily distracted but that’s a normal part of being a smart and creative child. The more I’ve had time to think about it the more I see me as an adult still like that.

Seeing aspects of yourself in your child and having to step back and work out how to make things easier. The luxury of denial isn’t there when it’s your child. A good honest look at how difficult it was (and is) for you forces you to ask how to make things easier. (Diet isn’t the problem, supplements, omega) But it’s just a 4 year old that doesn’t like feeling compared so will rather distract and give up.

On the spot I was at a loss. I appreciate the advice. When reading to her before bedtime, persist through the distractions and pull her attention back till the end of the story. Colour with her and just try keep her focused on smaller goals. Let’s just colour for 5 more minutes?

Funny how it took ruminating on the problem (my specialty) for inspiration to hit. Why had it not occurred to me sooner.  DOH!! Yoga is known to have positive effects on children and adults, on focus, on attention.

Now to make it happen.

Will keep you posted.

Ants

Posted in Family, Life goes on, Yoga | Comments Off

Money – Heart and Voice

We want it. Some of us work very hard to earn it. Others of us want it to fall in our laps without working for it feeling entitled. How much do we charge for a service? Do we charge? Self-worth? We judge others for the way they choose to spend it (or even not spend it).What about spending money we don’t have, trying to keep up with an image of ourselves we would like to maintain – or even the comfort spending on things we do not need just to feel something.

What about all those South Africans that have been retrenched. I know of a few in the last 2 months and everywhere I’ve been this week there are hushed whispers as I overhear others…”Have you heard, company XXX have let most of their workforce go”…or…”company YYY is about to start another round of retrenchments”…or…”Have you heard? So-and-so has just been retrenched”.

Many people are forced to work for themselves and struggle come month end to get payments in. They have offered a legitimate service, invoiced on time, had their clients promise to pay by an assigned date but the date arrives and they have to phone, plead, e-mail, etc and still there is no guarantee that the promised payment will even happen(that’s if the client even takes your calls). There are two sides to this – The person asking for money(Why do we find it so hard to ask for money we are owed??), and the person being chased for the payment(who then takes on the role of victim – Why are you chasing me for this money, you are so rude??etc,etc,blah,blah)

On my way home from work the other day I heard some or other expert in something or other say something along the lines of “many people are just trying to survive, not just financially but emotionally too” … It got me thinking about how interwoven our emotions really are with money.

When I worry about money my chest tightens, my throat closes. That’s 2 major energy centres right there.

• Heart – relationship with others and how you relate with the world around you
• Throat – expressing yourself

Funny how those two aspects seem to encompass all of the above quirks that people experience with and around money….

Open Heart and Throat Poses : Cobra, Upward-facing-dog, Bow, Wheel, even your surfboard backbend

…a silent prayer that those that need jobs find jobs, those waiting for payment are payed, families are fed and roofs kept overhead and slowly we all find a healthy relationship with money

Posted in Life goes on, Yoga | Comments Off

Intuition whispers

Stop. Breathe. Take stock…

Arriving at a client’s office a little too early feeling rather lousy, I sat back trying to pinpoint what it was exactly that I was feeling(instead of chalking it down to a general bleurgh). Part of my current aim at being more present, more aware of myself and listening to my body, inner voice, etc

My hip, shoulder, neck is stiff – all on the right hand side. A gland in my neck and my ear is inflamed – all on my right hand side again. Wait didn’t I stub a toe on my right foot? Didn’t I also burn a knuckle on my right hand two days ago in my oven? What is that big blocked pore I have on my right nostril (ok, this is getting a little weird)

Breathe and deepen my awareness … the energy on the right hand side of my whole body feels totally condensed and restricted – even blocked. (My left hand side feels open … free)

This was a few days ago. I thought too much and probably overanalysed but alas, no epiphany… (Yoga teacher would probably say something about ‘observe and then let go’)

Then today I ended up at the paediatrician with my youngest daughter Zoe because she was out of sorts, kept me up all night, had started with a low grade fever and her breath was foul(sure sign of infection). Turns out she has an ear infection…. caused by a piece of bath sponge she’d shoved up her nose sometime in the last week. Thank goodness he got it out and barff how it stank.

So my little terror has an infection in her RIGHT EAR, caused by a BLOCKAGE in her RIGHT NOSTRIL.

Light bulb moment.

Intuition whispers in strange ways. If only I had a guidebook…

In love and light

Ants

x

Posted in Family, Health, Spirit | Comments Off

Control Chaos Surrender

I am exhausted. How do all of you do with surrender?

I am re-evaluating my ability to surrender and suspect I still have major control issues. I disguise the need to control in organised chaos but every now and again “the wheels fall off” and am confronted with true chaos.

The CHAOS unfolds:

1. Unexpected Fund Shuffle - Postpone family holiday
2. I sent my car in for a service , wait I have only just missed the end of my cars maintenance plan – Unexpected payout
3. Nanny/Domestic caught hiding under bed sleeping on job, so out of it didn’t hear Drew reprimanding Lex in same room or Zoe awake crying in adjacent room, filthy because she was so out of it she forgot to put a nappy on.(can I suspect alcohol and a rough weekend) – My kids aren’t safe, a firing and unexpected notice payout(family holiday further postponed to maybe next century)
4. Last minute exam deadlines and exam on day I now need to stay home and make a plan with new child care – Postpone exam
5. Who will look after my children, crèche is full – call around ask for help & advice
6. How do I get my job done and meet client and work expectations when I need to figure things out, do them right and by the book etc – who knows, put in for leave, call in favours, do your best, juggle and maybe pull a miracle out your hat
7. I have also fallen off my mat, now I need the added guilt of rather cleaning,studying for postponed exams,lying in than my practice(I will face this daemon next week) – No Yoga? The ultimate protest against surrender

Ironically an e-mail I received yesterday was about obstacles in life and yoga. (Obstacles being the reasons and negotiations to not get on the mat, the excuses ) and I know from experience that by removing the first level of obstacles(the obstacles to self-practice) the ability to surrender comes easier and life does seem to then have a knack for sorting itself out. A Lesson in Surrender.

So I call a friend / colleague at work, she knows someone that needs a job that is a good friend of hers which means she trusts her (sounds good already – how else can I leave my children with a stranger). Turns out that Cynthia is now part of our lives and I’m so grateful for her. It’s now to work out how to figure out the taxi lines so she doesn’t get lost in the mornings and I can get back to … a normal routine?

It all works out in the end, just not quite the way I had it roughly mapped out in my head.

Can you let go?

Ants

Tags: chaos, control, falling of your mat, surrender
Posted in Family, Life goes on, Spirit, Yoga | 1 Comment »

Meditation by Motorcycle

At a birthday party last night I ended up chatting to a man whose passion was obviously motorbikes. (Not surprising considering that this party was at one of the local biker clubs) Watching his face light up as he described how riding a bike ultimately changed your outlook on travelling – the ride becoming a part of the actual journey not just a means to a destination.

I remembered this conversation after Drew took me out Hekpoort way on the back of his Harley this morning. Becoming a part of the surroundings. Smelling the fresh morning air. Feeling the warmth of the winter sun while taking in the rusty golden landscape. There were no doors or windows separating us from the outside. We were the outside – connected.

No thoughts about the previous day’s events or even the tasks still to be done later today during part of that journey. Moment to moment – meditation in motion.

This experience reminded me of the golf I used to play. I was never very good but was always grateful for an invite to join a fourball. It was never about the score but about that rare moment when everything else was forgotten, nothing exists except the swing, the ping on connection with the ball, then the follow through. One fluid movement and moment and when done right the ball goes where intended … haha those moments were few and far between but the game was more of a search for more of those moments of stillness.

Bliss! Samadhi! Union with the moment? With everything and nothing?

Don’t we who practice yoga use yoga as a tool to reach this peace?

Posted in Meditation, Yoga | Comments Off

This Candle..

Tonight I would like to take 5 minutes to acknowledge the women (and men) who live their lives, juggle their daily tasks and still find time to look after and sort out the lives of an aged parent. (Kudos to the supportive spouses and family members that pick up the pieces and take a back seat while a crises needs sorting)

When roles have reversed and child becomes caregiver while parent becomes a child again. Ensuring that they are looked after, eating right(eating at all), keeping warm and taking their medicine. (All this done on tender hooks so as not to trigger resistance)

Then – when the day is done and the rest of us are in our beds – those sleepless nights worrying. The guilt over the fights, over standing firm for their own good. The tears shed for the vibrant lives passed, more concerned over lost dignity than they are … the remaining shadows, less here than in the otherworld, biding time.

Tonight I light a candle for you. May you sleep sound with a light heart. Tomorrow is another day and this too shall eventually pass.

Blessings

Ants

Posted in Family | Comments Off